It is typical human behavior to have good friends and special loved ones, but when it crosses the line from admiration to obsession, it becomes a problem. Enjoying spending time with someone and looking forward to seeing them are very rational feelings and is expected in typical human emotion, however, some people who have Borderline Personality Disorder experience a powerful hyper-connection with someone which reaches a point of unhealthy codependency and obsession. Favorite Person, or FP, is an unofficial nickname for the person on the other side of a codependent relationship in BPD, which includes the features of classic codependency, but also includes elements which are unique to BPD.
What Is Codependency?
Classic codependency is a one-sided relationship when a person relies heavily on another for all of their support and emotional needs to the point that it impacts their ability to function independently in their daily life. If the codependent person has alcohol abuse or substance abuse, they will often depend on the other person for their supply. When the codependent person is reinforced by having their needs met, even through unhealthy methods, the relationship cycle of give-take continues. Most of the time, codependency develops in a romantic relationship, however, it is possible to have a codependent relationship with a friend or family member as well.
Relying on another person so heavily can cause serious disruptions in life and in the relationship. Many people have a codependent relationship with a supportive person, but others may have a codependent relationship with an abusive person. A person who is codependent is very vulnerable because they tend to attract abusive people. Many physically and emotionally abusive relationships involves a codependent abuse victim, which further complicates the situation.
Signs And Symptoms Of Codependency
- Low self esteem
- Dysfunctional family dynamics
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Stress
- Inability or difficulty expressing emotions
- Having a hard time saying no or setting boundaries
- Reacting with strong emotions, even to small incidents
Codependency Can Be Seen In:
- Agoraphobia
- Substance Abuse Disorders
- Dependent Personality Disorder
- Anxiety Disorders
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Also common in Abusive relationships
Favorite Person, or FP: Codependency in Borderline Personality Disorder
The mixture of a deep fear of abandonment, low self esteem, and unstable sense of self of Borderline Personality Disorder makes a person susceptible to developing a codependent relationship. While unofficial, and not recognized clinically, many people experience a phenomenon which is nicknamed “favorite person“.
A Favorite Person is the other side of a codependent relationship seen in Borderline Personality Disorder. The slang term specifies a codependent relationship which has BPD unique features that are not found in other situations. Some people report having multiple FP’s at once while others may have one at a time. This unofficial phenomenon is not experienced by everyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.
A Favorite Person codependent relationship has all the features of classic codependency, but also these other elements as well:
Most people “adopt a new FP” without intention and simply find themselves completely infatuated with a new Friend, roommate, or romantic partner that becomes their source of all validation and emotional support. Finding oneself falling into a new FP relationship is largely unintentional and develops subconsciously.
Some FP relationships are manageable as both parties are involved and aware of the situation, and having a supportive FP can be possible and fulfilling. However, there are many occasions when a person will find themselves clinging to a new FP who wants nothing to do with them, abuses them or doesn’t even know they exist.
One feature of an FP not found in classic codependency is the mental condition Erotomania, or holding delusional beliefs that a person is in love with you, with clear evidence to the contrary. The person of desire in this extreme unrequited love can be an acquaintance, a coworker, a neighbor, or in many cases, a celebrity or politician. Common features of Erotomania are:
A Favorite Person is the other side of a codependent relationship seen in Borderline Personality Disorder. The slang term specifies a codependent relationship which has BPD unique features that are not found in other situations. Some people report having multiple FP’s at once while others may have one at a time. This unofficial phenomenon is not experienced by everyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.
A Favorite Person codependent relationship has all the features of classic codependency, but also these other elements as well:
- Black & White Thinking: This BPD symptom can cause the codependent person to suddenly, and with little/no reason, hate their FP with passion. A person may flip back and forth between deep love/deep hate of their FP routinely or they may deeply love their FP for a long time to then suddenly hate them one day and never speak to them again. When the person with BPD suddenly turns on someone, with no explanation, it is called “splitting.”
- Unstable Sense Of Self: The uncertainty of self image can cause a codependent person with BPD to adopt the style and mannerisms of their FP. Some may change their hairstyle to imitate their FP or buy clothes to match theirs. This can cause them to “lose themselves” in their passionate infatuation.
- Threats of Self-Harm or Suicide: If an FP doesn’t respond to a message, or talks even slightly harsh to the person with BPD, it can cause the codependent person with BPD to become emotionally distraught, and at times, they may threaten (and possibly follow through with) self-harm or suicide, especially in cases of perceived abandonment or when a relationship ends.
- Mood Swings: At times, the codependent person with BPD may find themselves entirely dependent on the FP for validation and support. A simple misunderstanding can lead to the person with BPD to fall into a pit of devastation and despair. Similarly, one positive interaction with the FP can cause the person with BPD to experience a dramatic mood swing of elation. The person with BPD is desperate to get any crumb of validation from their FP, even if it means doing unhealthy things to seek their attention.
- Impulsivity: The strong emotional attachment to the FP, along with black & white thinking, creates a relationship based on impulsivity. Some relationships are on and off again due to the BPD person impulsively leaving as a result of splitting. The person may impulsively get married to an FP they just met or rush into a new relationship because the complicated codependent relationship is usually very sudden and the love and infatuation is tremendous.
- Paranoia: People with BPD can experience delusional thoughts, especially stress-induced paranoia. Some people with BPD become severely emotionally distraught and paranoid at any hint of their FP having an affair.
- Delusional Thoughts: Delusional thoughts can sometimes result in the person with BPD having a one-sided fictional relationship with someone.
Most people “adopt a new FP” without intention and simply find themselves completely infatuated with a new Friend, roommate, or romantic partner that becomes their source of all validation and emotional support. Finding oneself falling into a new FP relationship is largely unintentional and develops subconsciously.
Some FP relationships are manageable as both parties are involved and aware of the situation, and having a supportive FP can be possible and fulfilling. However, there are many occasions when a person will find themselves clinging to a new FP who wants nothing to do with them, abuses them or doesn’t even know they exist.
One feature of an FP not found in classic codependency is the mental condition Erotomania, or holding delusional beliefs that a person is in love with you, with clear evidence to the contrary. The person of desire in this extreme unrequited love can be an acquaintance, a coworker, a neighbor, or in many cases, a celebrity or politician. Common features of Erotomania are:
- The belief that the person of desire is sending secret messages, or interpreting simple behavior as communications of love and desire. Asking to borrow a pencil may be interpreted as a coded message or a celebrities comment may be interpreted as a direct message to the person with BPD.
- Behaviors of obsession such as frequent letter writing, constant and obsessive social media checking, and in some cases, stalking behavior.
- A firm belief that the subject of desire is in love with the person with BPD and any acts of rejection are seen as open invitations to further pursue their love, such as violating a restraining order.
Erotomania in Borderline Personality Disorder also can include black & white thinking, adopting the mannerisms and style of the person or celebrity and self-harming behavior in reaction to perceived messages from the person or celebrity.
How To Cope With Having A Favorite Person
Having a favorite person in Borderline Personality Disorder can be very emotionally taxing for all involved. The unhealthy codependent relationship can cause drama and relationship problems, lack of independence, episodes of anger and jealousy, and can wreak havoc on functioning ability and quality of life. Some ways to cope with having a Favorite Person are:
- Establishing clear boundaries
- Practicing self-awareness and trying to recognize when your feelings are unwarranted.
- Practicing clear communication in the relationship
- Having realistic expectations of the other person
- Practicing independence and self-fulfilling your own needs
- Send them this article :)
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