Your Mentally Ill Loved One: What You Need To Know

Living with mental illness is often a very sad, devastating, and frustrating life. While the person living with the mental illness is alone in many of their invisible symptoms, there are unique behaviors that often come with a mental illness which others can observe and thus, get to experience the turmoil that goes with it.

Households with people that have a mental illness are often chaotic and passionate. Growing up with a mentally ill family member is cited as one of the ten adverse and traumatic childhood experiences. Living with someone with who has a mental illness can greatly impact the people in the home.  Friends and relatives, and basically anyone who has a relationship with the mentally ill person, can be impacted.

Mental illness effects the way a person feels, thinks, and behaves. Of course, mental illness is never an “excuse”, but it is a very reasonable explanation for bizarre and abnormal behavior. It is important to understand that while their behavior may be unhealthy, it is inspired by mental illness. Every human being has the right to their emotions, regardless of the reason. They are allowed to be furious, excited, jealous, and disappointed. Their emotions may be big, but they are not wrong to feel that way. However, the response to these emotions and the unhealthy behaviors that follow, are what designates a person as mentally ill.

In many mental disorders and conditions, the greatness of the emotions are exaggerated so a person may feel way more raving rage or soul crushing depression, than a person who is mentally stable. It is true that the mentally ill person lacks coping skills, but it is also true that they experience a vast array of dramatic and intense emotions that others do not experience. It is as if the world is colorblind and the mentally ill person sees the rainbow. 🌈 

The purpose of recovery is often not to make the illness go away, but to cope. Most mental health disorders and conditions, including experiences of trauma and abuse, will never “go away”. If a person has experienced abuse, they will always be a victim of trauma. Similarly, people with certain disorders, like Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, will likely never be totally rid of their symptoms. Even with taking psychiatric medication, many people only see some of their symptoms disappear. Some people will experience symptoms decreasing in severity, frequency, and/or length, when they take medication while others find no success in medication. Some see major improvements with therapy but sometimes only after several years of intense therapy, and most people lack access to mental health treatment. So, in short, mental illnesses is here, and it’s likely here to stay. So here are some things that you need to know:

1. Never tolerate abuse. If, at any time, you find yourself the victim of abuse from a loved one that has a mental illness, you have every right to walk away. (No, seriously, stop reading this article and go.) You are under zero obligation to help someone unpack their trauma and you have zero obligation to be an emotional support person to them. You offering your support and love to them is 100% voluntary and should be without fear, pain, and distress on your part.
2. Mental Illness is usually very complex. While your mentally ill loved one is trying to navigate their way through their illness, it is important that you recognize the many layers of the condition. Likely, you will not understand all they are going through. Most of the time, you will be really confused because their behaviors and emotions can be so erratic and disordered. But you must understand that they may be a victim of trauma and abuse, and they may have a dysfunctional family which failed to give them the emotional support they needed while growing up, which is essential for proper human psychological development. The reality is that their mental illness is probably a knotted mess full of different circumstances unique to them and that can be very complicated, messy, and confusing.
3. Their emotions are likely way more intense, and more painful than your own emotional experience. A person with a mental illness typically has stronger emotions than the average person. Their big emotions usually don’t match the circumstances, so it can appear that they are “overreacting”. Their response to these emotions is largely what makes a mental illness a disorder because the typical stable response to an event does not happen, and instead there is a disordered response with BIG emotions which can, and usually does, inspire unhealthy behavior towards themselves or others. Remember that this all has to do with their illness.
4. Never, ever, invalidate them. Telling them that “it’s not that bad”, “you’re overreacting”, “calm down”, or similar, can be very damaging to a person with mental illness. It is essential to understand that they are allowed to feel however they want, period. (But, they are not allowed to do whatever they want in response to these emotions.)
5. Take care of yourself. Being a main source of support for someone with a mental illness can be extremely taxing and it is truly not for the weak. This is where the whole “you can’t pour from an empty cup” theory comes in because regardless of the situation, you must ultimately put yourself first. Your mental health and well-being should be a priority. Some caretakers of people that are mentally ill end up with mental illness themselves later on down the road. Of course, this is not usually the case, but be sure to allow yourself time to decompress and set boundaries. 
6. Talk to them and check in with them often. You must talk to them if you want to be supportive. Again, mental illness effects the way a person feels, thinks, and behaves. So in order to be a support person to your loved one, you are going to have to talk with them about their feelings. Remember, much of the recovery process is about having healthy responses to big emotions. And that healthy response is often to talk about it, rather than having a rage episode or self harming.
7. Your loved one is likely very emotionally sensitive. Please accept that. There is such a push for emotionally sensitive people to “toughen up”, when in reality, the world could just simply be a little nicer. One small comment can cause them to experience a total emotional breakdown which can sometimes lead to self harm or suicidal behaviors. But again, the point of mental wellness for people that have mental health conditions is learning how to cope in healthy ways. So while you can take extra steps to be respectful of their sensitivity, they should also take steps on learning to cope with these emotions in a healthy way. 
8. Please, please understand that it is largely out of their control. A lot of their behavior choices in response to big emotions are in their control, but much of their irrational thought processes, such as paranoia and delusions, are not. The devastating depression and wildfire of mania live on emotional gravity and are about as controllable as pancreatic function.
9. Recovery is mostly about learning to cope in healthy ways. Their unhealthy behavior is what makes them mentally ill. If they had healthy behavior, they would not be mentally ill. Of course, this unhealthy behavior should be targeted and eliminated, but it is important to understand that their poor coping skills are largely what designates them as being mentally unwell.
10. Recovery is not linear. They will have bad days. Even with therapy, medication, and your support, it is inevitable that they will fall at times. But each time they get back up, they become stronger, and your support is invaluable at this time and truly a life saving element for many.
11. Understand that all trauma is valid, even if you don’t understand it. It may not seem like that big of a deal to you, but it is a very real situation for them. Most people with trauma downplay their experience and believe that it “wasn’t that bad” and “others have it worse” and they invalidate their own experience and blame themselves. It is absolutely necessary that trauma victims are validated, comforted, and reassured that their feelings are valid and their experience  was not their fault. 
12. Educate yourself. The fact that you are reading this article right now means that you care enough to read. So, educate yourself on their disorders. You don’t need to be an expert, but you should be aware of what the symptoms are and how it effects them.
13. Don’t ask for them to stay alive for you. Just don’t. Every persons suicidal thoughts are unique to them, but most just want to end the pain. Some are even delusional and believe they MUST commit suicide to save their family. Don’t argue with them and don’t try to make them feel guilty. Just tell them why you want them to stay and tell them all the special moments they would miss out on.
14. Your love is not a cure. This is not the movies; a sweet love story won’t cure depression. You have to view your loved one as drowning in an ocean, and you are their dock, their stability. You help them cope with the water and you provide the support they need during their struggle, but you can’t take away the ocean, no matter how hard you try.